“…But That’s NOT What I Meant!”

Conflict.  Conflict always brings about a journey to discover that which is absolute truth.  Well, while absolute truth is the theoretical destination, most opportunities of conflict lead to the revelation of individual perspective truth.  For purposes of discussion let’s characterize absolute truth to mean all that is factual and literal.  Absolute truth can be further described as the elements of “what is…” without interpretation, manipulation or discrimination from any external source. Conversely, perspective truth envelopes the influence of that which absolute truth discards.  Stated differently, perspective truth can and does take into account many variables of external influence to complete its view of an experience.  Perspective truth can be characterized as the elements of truth as perceived by an individual that rely on personality filters, biases, anecdotal experiences, training, culture, belief and value measures, etc…  Perspective truth really is the truth “as I see it”.

Many a disagreement has occurred that causes someone to invariably declare, “…But that’s not what I meant!”  Only, at the point that this statement is uttered, that which has been spoken before has already had its effect.   In romantic relationships, as is true in all scopes of inter-personal communication, it is important to be aware of the words which we speak and their probable value to the person we are communicating with.

Nothing is more reckless than a person who is willing to speak totally unfiltered, without regard for where or how their words land.  Many people feel that all that they must worry about is whether or not the content of what they speak is valid or true.  While it is important to speak that which is true, there also has to be an awareness of how someone will receive the words of truth.

All communication is bi-lateral.  No matter what information or idea is being expressed, every communication experience has intent and every communication experience has impact.  The very measure of effective communication is when there is understanding of or sensitivity to the intent and impact of what is being said before it is said.   Having an understanding and appreciation for the elements of intent and impact can shape both the delivery method and the content of the information being expressed.  Many couples fall into the trap of “keeping it 100” and “getting it off my chest” as a means of expressing how open to the idea of communication they are.  However, failing to realize that once words are spoken, it is hard to retrieve the harm those words can cause, can ruin any opportunities of actually achieving the desired results.  What you intend to say and the impact of what you did say can be very different destinations.  The communication experience can take on a totally different tone when there is a break-down between what was said and how someone receives what is being said.  While, you cannot totally predict how someone will respond to your communication, it is always good to consider who you are talking to and how they may interpret what you are saying.

Undeliverable absolute truth is just as detrimental to effective communication as is false or perspective truth communicated via ignorance.

Communication is an art form.  Effective communication is a skill.  Learn to be slow to speak.  Reduce the conflict in your relationship by learning to evaluate what you want to say and how you may choose to say it before actually saying it.  It seems simple, right?  No matter what, your words will have some effect.  Seek to consider the impact of what you wish to say as you pursue the intent of saying what it is you wish to convey.

StevieD – Intent vs Impact 17-Feb-2012


Fear: Understanding Its Parts Before Managing Its Whole


     Let me just say it up front, MEN HAVE FEARS and at times, MEN OPERATE OUT OF THEIR FEAR.  No need for the band to play, cheerleaders to contort into three-dimensional expressions of “I TOLD YOU SO”…and… the fat lady need not sing.  It is neither difficult nor embarrassing to admit that men have some of the same emotional struggles while navigating the relationship space as do their female counterparts.  Now, that being said.  We can move forward.  

Despite the rhetoric of many alpha personalities, fear is NOT a diminutive emotion or emotional response, which should only be expressed by the “weaker sex” or “un-real” men.  Fear Has Purpose.  Fear has Perspective.  Fear has Position.  Fear has Power.  One thing that Fear lacks is PEACE!   To allow fear to exist in your life and specifically within your relationship quest, requires you to declare imminent if not immediate war with your available spirit peace.  Fear Is The Enemy of Spirit Peace.

For discussion purposes, consider the following:   

  “Fear is the feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.”  

Fear Has Purpose:    We are always led to believe that fear is innately bad.  Without getting into the theological discussion of fear as expressed in the Holy Bible, “God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power , of love and sound mind….(2 Timothy 1:7)”, fear is a naturally occurring emotion for mankind.  This scripture simply and emphatically highlights its spirit source.  However, it’s purpose remains.  The purpose of fear is to bring about an increased awareness of and sensitivity toward the spirit space of our everyday environment.  We are three-dimensional (body, soul and spirit)beings and our relationships are a convergence of these three dimensions.  This convergence occurs whether we want it to or not.  Conflict comes when your body, mind and spirit are not in agreement with the body, mind and spirit of the target of your desired relationship.

 Fear Has Perspective:   Perspective is a point of view.  Fear is the view of a circumstance or sometimes even the idea of a circumstance from the inside of you (your mind), looking outward.  No one can exert fear over you.  One must make the choice to express fear with regard to a specific internal or external catalyst..  Where there is a choice, there is a responsiblity.  Where there is responsibility there is accountability.  If you are responsible for making a choice out of fear, then you are equally accountable for the consequence of that fear-choice.  Consequence is not innately negative, consequence is simply an end-result, be it positive or negative in comparison.

 Fear Has Position:  We give fear a position of influence in our lives. Period.   This position can either be subordinate in nature or dominant in practice.  Once again, we are met with the dilemma of choice.  And in fact, fear has the uncanny strategy of deceiving us into believing we don’t actually have a choice in the matter.  This is where the negativity of fear occurs and reeks havoc in the lives of those who allow fear to have a headliner role in the stage performance of our lives. Fear requires balance when it is present.  

Fear Has Power: Fear gets its power directly from the position in which one allows it to hold within one’s life. Fear is a forward-impacting emotion that can stop you from exerting power over your future, even your intended destiny.  Fear will cripple your ability to exert power over  aspects of  your life that are not good for your Healthy Stablility and Survival,  Fear, in the wrong position, will decrease your freedom to excercise power over whom to give and recieve proper love.  Fear, that is out of balance, can overtake your power to choose to function in soundness of mind. 

Ultimately, Fear is in direct opposition to the peace that is the designed state of mind and state of existence for our lives.  Fear is at war with our God peace.  We may not be able to annihilate fear from our lives totally, but, when we understand its elements, when we are sensitive to its tactics, when we are aware of it impact and influence we are better equipped to manage it into submission.

(Program Note: Stay tuned for additional entries related to “THE WEAKER SEX” and “The UN-REAL MAN”) 


     Some aspects of this journey we are on called Life On Earth is not complicated.  While there is much about the universe in which we exist that some of the smartest and most learned minds on this planet are attempting to decipher, understand, justify, explain and make plain for the masses, I am compelled to resolve that some things are simply NOT THAT DEEP.  

I subscribe to the belief that, because we are such a varied human race with self imposed distinctions based on nationality, economic status, religious/spiritual affiliations, sexual orientations, musical preferences and the like – there must be a lowest common denominator which enables us all to have a measurable equity.   This common denominator must, by default, be a minimal point of convergence of all peoples, places and perspectives. 

We move through this existence with a universe-defined-acceptance and understanding and appreciation for WHAT IS.  “What is what?” you may ask…. Well, it can be expressed with simplistic phrases.  What is right versus what is wrong.  What is innately good versus what is innately bad.  What is positive versus what is negative.  What is up versus what is down.  What is common versus what is unique. What is abundant versus what is scarce. We are more alike than we are different.

The idea of #BasicTruth is my means of identifying ideas, thoughts and behavioral explanations that, to me, seem to be more common sense, rather than some deep, mystical un-attainable aspect of wisdom, knowledge and truth.  It’s simple.  One of my boys, Mr. M. Frazier,  frequently tells me to KISS because I can get wordy and over explain my ideas and thoughts in an attempt to ensure clarity.  Keep It Simple Stupid. While the first time he shared this with me I was slightly offended, I realized that the offense was in the fact that it exposed a character flaw of mine, not in his desire to malign me in any way.  It simply wasn’t necessary to extrapolate as I was doing in the context that we were speaking. Dangit!  Add it to the list of things to work on!

 In a nutshell, #BasicTruth can be used to emphasize that an idea, thought, opinion, point of clarity, nugget of knowledge, expression of wisdom is well…rather, ordinary and everyday. 

By the way, “Why do you think it so deep in the first place?”  Perhaps one needs to expand their opportunities for learning and expose themselves to more divirsity so that everyday #basictruth  doesn’t sound so profound.

SDwayne – #basictruth

Who is Steven D Randolph?

Welcome to my newest venture into the world of blogging.  I hope to use this as a means of capturing and sharing my thoughts, ideas, beliefs and experiences on a range of subject matter. In doing so, I would first like to provide a backdrop for who the man, Steven D Randolph Sr., is.  So, In my own words…. I SHARE With you…… Enjoy!

I am a regular brotha with regular issues. I command honesty, integrity and understanding of those who so choose to be in my world…. I love hard……I hate hard…. and I am never confused about what I feel for you or about you.

I can be arrogant and prideful but it’s only because I am best protected when I love me more than I allow you to love me.

I am a committed Father, friend, brotha, lover, and child-of-God. I am not perfect but strive for it continuously.

I make choices….some of them not so good…but I own the choices that I make. I expect you to do the same about your own choices.

I am an exhalter of the brothahood and do my best to lift us up where we belong…when we belong there. I attempt to see that which is good in people despite what may be a challenge. However, I am not fooled. Just because I don’t mention it doesn’t mean I don’t recognize it. I am gracious and forgiving. However, I have a limit on my tolerance for ill behavior.

Knowing me is a journey…. some may be equipped and prepared to embark upon it with me, while others may find the walk too complicated and not value-added. Either way, I am respectfully honest and open to sharing opinions and thoughts on most topics that are in my scope of experience or belief.

Please feel free to respond with comments, opinions, thoughts and ideas on any information which you see posted on any of my blog entries.  I am not a debater, although I can be.  However, I find that I learn more when I engage others in discussion.  I want to learn more from you. 

Peace and God Bless… I look forward to this journey with you all.

Steven D. Randolph Sr.

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